Well come on and let me know - should I stay or should I go?

Well, Dad had his 4:30pm appt on Wednesday with his regular doctor, and a cardiologist. They reviewed what tests had been done, the results FROM those tests, xrays, dyes injected, blah blah blah. They noticed that the massive blood thinners they'd injected into him had awakened the gout in his knee, and that even WITH all the meds in him, the upper chambers of his heart were STILL working double-time, so they admitted him to the ICU.

It's a strange dance – when you wish, hope, pray for something, and your wish comes true, your hope becomes fruition, or your prayer is answered … and you realize you'd wished, hoped, prayed for the wrong thing. We're a greedy lot, we humans. We get what we ask for and keep our hands raised saying "whoops – what I MEANT to say was ..." The prayers went something like "please get him back home safely". Can't say that wasn't answered. This was how it was meant to be, I am NOT questioning it. I just … I can't say I love it all that much.

So late Thursday afternoon, he was moved from the ICU to a regular room. The head of the Cardiology unit likes firefighters, so he's taken a special interest in my father's health. As such, the current plan of attack is that my father will go on massive blood thinners that he'll both inject and ingest, for three weeks. Every other day, he'll have to submit to blood work at the hospital. At the end of three weeks, the thinners should have done their work, and they'll sedate him and give the upper chambers of his heart a VERY MINOR shock, in an effort to realign the beats of the upper and lower chambers of his heart. The theory on this is that three weeks will thin his blood enough to allow for this small 'jump' to occur without causing any further damage.

And, while it's NOT about me … three weeks from now is when I would be scheduled for Biloxi.

See – THIS is where being an adult completely and totally blows. I know that I've said these trips will happen WITH OR WITHOUT ME, and they would. Hell, no one gave Eva, Kerry Ann, Paula or I any direction when we took this trip the first time, so I'm VERY confident that the team in November would have no issues finding their way around sans my involvement. So I can't say that I "gotta be there for the team" 'cause that's just exquisite bullshit. There's a part of me – a loud, self-serving, egotistical, self-absorbed part of me that wants to see this through. And that's NOT why I should go, and I know this … but closure. Damn it all, there's just *so much in my life that I've never had closure to* and I really don't want to add this project onto the already listing pile.

So ya' know how everyone keeps saying that my doing this work is just so great and giving and all? Truth is – honest – it's not. I get SO much outta doing it, I feel like I should be paying to have the option to do it. I know that I shouldn't go and I know that I can't stop living my life and wait by the phone for good (or bad) news. I know that I SHOULD go and I know that I will never, ever forgive myself if my mother is dealt another blow without having at least one daughter by her side.

Honestly – I'd like to open this up. I've heard stories already that range from "go and call them everyday and know that you can ALWAYS get on a plane and come home in less than 12 hours" to "I went, against my own wishes, and my father passed away less than 24 hours after I'd left". I'm NOT asking anyone to relive anything painful. I'm just … well, I'm a little lost and kinda fuzzy.

So whatcha got? Anyone?